My Soul Sister on the Other Side of the World

Jess, I love you. I seriously don't know what I'd do without you. You always have a way of making me feel better when I'm upset. No matter how much of an ass I've made of myself, you always find a way to convince me that things are going to be okay.

You give me hope when everything seems hopeless.

I love you, sis.

Thank you for always being here for me.

Desire for Control

One way I kill relationships is through my desire for control. I wasn't always this way, but I have an intense desire for things to work on my terms. I have a bad habit of falling for guys who live far away, and I think that part of the reason I do it is because that gives me an ability to control how things go, to a degree. If I get uncomfortable, I can pull back and things generally work fine afterward.

Don't get me wrong, I have fallen for a guy who lives far away simply because he is intolerably wonderful. I don't know how things are going to work out on that front, and I'm terrified that things are going to go badly.

I'm trying so hard to stop doing my psycho-aggressive control freak thing, but I have no idea how well that's going.

I keep things to myself because I only want the guys I fall for to know certain things about me. I hide my selfishness, jealousy, and other faults in the hope that it'll make them fall for me, too. I generally hide my past because I don't want them to be put off by things that have happened to me before.

My relationships don't work because I pull away due to me need for control. If I feel like they're getting too close to the real me I run away because I don't want them to hate me. A whole lot of good that does. My pulling away harms my relationships just as much as knowing the real me could.

Can I let go of my desperate need for control?

I don't know.