Lost

I've spent the last fourteen years changing myself in the effort to make other people happy. My Granny Hattie died when I was seven years old, and I lost myself when they put her in the ground. My vivacity and my loving nature fell away as I withdrew into a world of my own. I didn't know who to be anymore. To be honest, I'm still unsure of who I am.

I rejected the world and withdrew into a fantasy that will never fully go away. I don't resent it. That world inside myself is where my writing comes from.

I feel deeply, but I hide behind a wall of bitterness that is certainly unbecoming on a twenty-one year old young woman. Most people think that I hardly have cause to be this way. Who knows? Perhaps they're right.

I have issues letting things go. I cling to pain, anger, and fear because they keep me from getting too close to people. I've lost so many that I loved very deeply. I feel like I need to say goodbye and that I love them. I hope to see them again someday.

Gerald Wilson Alexander - November 1993 - Beloved Uncle
Hattie Irene Goins-Alexander - March 1997 - Incredible Grandmother
Paw James Clemmons - February 2004 - Dear Grandfather
Miss Connie Lynne Holmes - May 2009 - Dear Friend, Best Friend to My Mother
Pawpaw Howell Silsbee Alexander - September 2009 - Darling Grandfather
Mrs. Leah Ann Overstreet - November 2009 - Beloved Friend, Parent of a Long-Time Classmate
Mrs. Margaret Hayes - April 2010 - Dear Friend, Mother of a Good Friend and Classmate
Ms. Melissa "Missy" Taylor - - Friend, and in Many Ways a Kindred Spirit
Ms. Nobie Kay Bell- May 2010 - Beloved Friend, First Cousin to My Mother
Dr. James Coats- August 2010 - Friend, Dean at Faulkner State Community College
Mr. Henry Bradley - 2010 - Great-Uncle, Loving Husband to Granny Hattie's Only Living Sister (Aunt Pogie (her real name is Frances)-technically my great-aunt), Hard Worker, Patriot, Veteran

You were all dear and precious people, close to my heart. I miss you and love you. Please watch over me. You know I need all the help I can get.

I've changed and changed, trying so hard to make everyone else in the world happy, but these people that I lost saw me for who I am and loved me anyway. I will never forget this kindness.

This is about me discovering myself. I hope it does some good.