Waiting for Prince Charming

No matter how many times I proclaim my need for independence or that I don't need a guy to be happy, in the back of my mind I'm one of those saps who's always waiting for Prince Charming to show up. It feels like some strange sort of handicap.

I'm not sure why I feel that way about it. I guess it's more of that bitterness I cling to so desperately. I would really like it if I could make it on my own. I want to be able to support myself. I want my own life and my own career. I want my own bank account. I want to learn how to be my own person again.

Does this mean that I shouldn't want a guy? I feel guilty, like I shouldn't need one to be happy. I need to learn how to be happy on my own without committing myself to spending the rest of my life with someone.

That idea terrifies me. I've always wanted a wedding, but I'm not sure that I have any real desire to be married. Part of that could be attributed to fear. I'm afraid that I won't find the right man.

What if I can't find someone who will love me in spite of my numerous flaws? What if there isn't a man out there who can value me in spite of the mistakes I make on a regular basis? What if I can't find a man that I can build mutual trust with?

All these fears play on repeat in the back of my mind. There are more fears that I'm reluctant to share.

I honestly don't believe I could marry a man if he wasn't my soul-mate. It's probably a foolish dream that will leave me spending the rest of my life with my fears to keep me company.