Funerals

Is it just a Southern thing, or do women everywhere descend on dirt and clutter like Furies after a death in the family? It’s like they’re trying to wash away death cooties prior to the inevitable visitors before and after the funeral.

Anyone have an answer for me?

Keep digging that hole, Chelsea.

Lord, I'm stupid. My pride is going to put me in the ground one day. If I think I'm going to get hurt or humiliated, I make a preventative strike. I nip things in the bud before people get the chance to hurt me.

It's the emotional equivalent to ripping a fingernail out because it hurts.

I just...get scared, so I hurt people before they get the chance to hurt me. It's like a hit and run, in a sense. I blindside them and take off like I'm being chased by Kujo or the boogey man.

Me and my big, stupid mouth...

I hate when I accidentally bite peoples' heads off. I don't mean to do it. I don't even think about it. But I open my mouth and condescending words come out. I have no filter. I can be a real bitch without even meaning to.

I just...expect other people to know everything that I know. It's not fair to them, and I really don't mean to do it. It's really sad that I'm like that. I don't know why, and I spend a lot of time regretting the things I say.

My Soul Sister on the Other Side of the World

Jess, I love you. I seriously don't know what I'd do without you. You always have a way of making me feel better when I'm upset. No matter how much of an ass I've made of myself, you always find a way to convince me that things are going to be okay.

You give me hope when everything seems hopeless.

I love you, sis.

Thank you for always being here for me.

Things I Love

I'm not sure why I feel the need to do this, but I want to talk about some of the things I love.

I love having a wonderful, close, supportive family. I have been very, very lucky in that respect.

I love hot tea.

I love the beach.

I love my wonderful girl-friends: Tori, Christi, Lauren, Leilani, Britt, Chynna, Xhenita, Mandy, and Shelby. You're always there for me. You look out for me and love me in spite of the way I am. I love our secrets, stories, and memories. I hope we make many, many more.

I love having a guy that I can really talk to. Thanks, Nic.

I love Tolkien, Lewis, Shakespeare, Austen, Charlotte Brontë, Bradbury, Lowry, Orwell, and Rowling.

I love George Lucas. The Star Wars saga and the Indiana Jones movies will always be near and dear to my heart. I love (American) football. I love Halloween. I love going out at night just to stare up at the night sky.

I love Humphrey Bogart, Audrey Hepburn, Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant, Peter O'Toole, John Wayne, Elizabeth Taylor, Shirley McClaine, Clint Eastwood, Gregory Peck, Charlton Heston, Richard Harris, and Maggie Smith. I adore Alan Rickman and Harrison Ford. I love Mark Hamill; his Joker voice is the best ever.

I love Batman and X-Men. I think Stan Lee is probably one of the coolest people who's ever lived.

I love Leonard Nimoy. Star Trek forever.

I love Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen.

I think Camelot is the most amazing musical in the history of ever.

I love Sean Connery. I think Medicine Man was a great movie. Lorraine Bracco was also amazing in that movie.

I love Michael J. Fox. The Back to the Future movies are wonderful. So is Christopher Lloyd. Christopher Lloyd also did an amazing job voicing Rasputin in the animated movie Anastasia.

I love Disney movies. Beauty and the Beast is my favorite, closely followed by The Little Mermaid and Peter Pan. The Sword in the Stone is great, too. Archimedes cracks me up! Heck...I just love Disney.

Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie. It takes place at Christmas, so it counts. It is immediately followed by The Nutcracker Prince, which I have adored since infancy.

Top Gun is one of my favorite movies ever. I cry every time Goose dies, even though I know what's coming.

Pride & Prejudice and Jane Eyre are permanently tied for the position of my favorite book in the whole world.

I love how versatile an actor Gary Oldman is.

I love the version of Hamlet with Mel Gibson and Glenn Close. It is positively incredible.

The Taming of the Shrew is my favorite Shakespeare play, closely followed by Twelfth Night.

Edgar Allan Poe is my favorite poet. I also adore his short stories. They're amazing. The Masque of the Red Death is my favorite short of his, and The Raven is my favorite poem, period.

I love all things Nancy Drew.

Reading and writing are my two favorite things to do.

I do text role-plays online. I've met some of my favorite people in the world that way.

I love thunder-storms.

I think the scene with the pottery wheel in Ghost is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

I love Baldur's Gate, Neverwinter Nights, Fable, and many other fantasy RPGs. Riven drives me completely bonkers. I have yet to beat it, despite the fact that I own the strategy guide (I'm ashamed to say).

I love playing Trivial Pursuit and Apples to Apples. I love Clue.

I still play around on Neopets sometimes, and I'm addicted to Sutek's Tomb.

I like chess, but I stink at it.

I think Pyro and Shadowcat would make an amazing couple.

I love mystery, suspense, and anything to do with Alfred Hitchcock.

I'm a sucker for animals. I love my cats, Pookah and Little Man. I love my gerbil Stephanie, named after Stephanie Plum. I love my parents' cocker spaniel, and they made the mistake of letting me name her. She is forever stuck with Princess Leia.

Tigers and wolves are my favorite wild animals. They're so majestic and beautiful. It's really breathtaking to watch them. I have a mild obsession with drawing and/or painting tigers.

Fantasy and Sci-Fi are my bread and butter.

I'm addicted to anything written by Janet Evanovich.

I love to dance and sing, though I don't think I'm very good at either. Also, I think ballroom dancing is one of the sexiest things people can do in public.

I love it when someone makes me laugh and/or smile.

I love taking pictures. I like the pictures my friends (i.e. Tori and Nic) take much better than I'll ever like the ones I take.

I love psychology and am fascinated by the life stories of serial killers. Yes, I realize this is creepy.

I love the Scarecrow from Batman. He's my favorite character.

I love my friends' parents almost as much as my own.

I realize I've listed enough things for one night, but there will be more to come.

The Beach

I happen to be at the beach right now, and I'm glad. I think I would feel worse if I weren't here. The beach always gives me a sense of calm and freedom. The scent of salt in the air makes me feel at home, and the sound of the waves rushing to hug the beach whispers to my heart to be still. I can feel my family here.

My Pawpaw Poochie and Uncle Gerry were both sailors. Pawpaw was a lifer in the Navy, and Uncle Gerry was in the Navy for a while, too. Afterward he captained boats out of Gulf Shores for deep sea fishing trips and the like. My father served in the Navy, too, but I still have him. I can feel them wrapping their arms around me and watching over me when I am at the beach.

The world seems right when I have sand on my feet and a sea breeze in my face. I'm not as at peace as usual tonight. I'm filled with tension and anxiety, and I can't seem to make them go away. My heart is trying to beat out of my chest and I am in suspense over my latest confession, which I may well come to regret. I really hope it doesn't ruin things.

Desire for Control

One way I kill relationships is through my desire for control. I wasn't always this way, but I have an intense desire for things to work on my terms. I have a bad habit of falling for guys who live far away, and I think that part of the reason I do it is because that gives me an ability to control how things go, to a degree. If I get uncomfortable, I can pull back and things generally work fine afterward.

Don't get me wrong, I have fallen for a guy who lives far away simply because he is intolerably wonderful. I don't know how things are going to work out on that front, and I'm terrified that things are going to go badly.

I'm trying so hard to stop doing my psycho-aggressive control freak thing, but I have no idea how well that's going.

I keep things to myself because I only want the guys I fall for to know certain things about me. I hide my selfishness, jealousy, and other faults in the hope that it'll make them fall for me, too. I generally hide my past because I don't want them to be put off by things that have happened to me before.

My relationships don't work because I pull away due to me need for control. If I feel like they're getting too close to the real me I run away because I don't want them to hate me. A whole lot of good that does. My pulling away harms my relationships just as much as knowing the real me could.

Can I let go of my desperate need for control?

I don't know.